If there was no action around, he would play solitaire - and bet against himself.
Groucho Marx, about his brother Chico (attributed)
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Barry used to supplement his income by gambling at poker, joining games wherever he happened to find himself. And he thought he'd seen it all, until he happened into a game in a little town in Tennessee and found himself seated next to a German shepherd. A few hands later, the dog drew a straight flush and collected the jackpot.

"Unbelievable," exclaimed Barry. "I've played plenty of poker in my day, but I never imagined I'd see a dog win at poker."

"Ah, we usually wipe out," said an old geezer at the table with a dismissive snort, "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."
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Did you hear about the moron who lost fifty dollars on the football game?
Twenty-five dollars on the game and twenty-five dollars on the instant replay.
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Bernice used to nag her husband constantly because he just sat around the house all weekend watching television, checking out the ball games, and drinking beer. "Sunday's the only day of the week you could actually spend a little quality time with you daughter, Lloyd, and instead she just watches a couch potato in action," she complained week after week. So Bernice was astonished to come home one Saturday at dinnertime and hear little Amy chirp happily, "Mommy, guess what? Daddy took me to the zoo today, and we saw lots of animals!"

"No kidding?"

"And guess what?" continued the kid enthusiastically. "One of them paid ten to one!"
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Gambling is a sure way of getting nothing for something.
Nick the Greek
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Harry walks into work one Monday morning with a huge grin on his face.

One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?"

Harry says, "I went to Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks."

A week later, Harry walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone.

One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?"

Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this weekend and I won ten grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Indian girl in Accounting out on a date."

The next Monday morning Harry is doing cartwheels down the hall.

One of the co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?"

Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Indian girl from Accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know she's giving me the best blow job I ever had."

One of his co-workers says. "Man, are you frigging lucky."

Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it and I won ten grand."